Wrinkly Prune

Break from work and study

2006-06-08T10:39:00.000+08:00

I've taken the whole week off work, hoping that the break will allow me to recover a bit faster. I had a meeting with my lecturer on tuesday, and I ran up 2 flights of stairs coz I thought I would be late. Bad idea! Very Bad Idea! The left-sided chest pain and neck pain came back with a vengance, my heart was racing, I was so puffed out and felt dizzy after that. Took pretty much the rest of the rest of the day to recover from that.

My lecturer told me to take it easy and skipped the OSPE next tuesday, and that he will arrange for it to be done sometime later in the month, together with my clinical evaluation. That still leaves the written paper on the 20th June. I don't think I'll be able to study for that as well, I'm getting dizzy just from reading for about 10 minutes, and then it takes me 1/2 an hour to recover. How crap is that?

K.

Back at work

2006-06-05T17:53:00.000+08:00

First day back at work today. Worked for 3 hours and had 5 patients. Didn't go too badly, though I did feel a bit dizzy in between patients.

Back from the brink...

2006-05-28T22:17:00.000+08:00

As i wasn't feeling too well on thursday, i took the day off uni and work, and by the evening, i was feeling close to 100%. I slept at 10.30pm, but woke up at 11.30pm feeling very cold and was shivering uncontrollably, even though i was wearing a beanie, 3 layers of clothing, was under 2 doonas and had the heater in my room going. I was shaking so hard that i couldn't hold a glass of water without spilling its contents.

Decided to call 000 at 12am, as it didn't seem right that i'm shaking so much that my legs started to cramp up. Spoke to the clinical nurse on 000, who asked me heaps of questions, and who could tell from my voice that i was shaking terribly, but she refused to send me an ambulance, though she said that i needed to get to the hospital within the next 1 to 2 hours. By the time i hanged up the phone, i was feeling very hot, and started throwing up. My housemate send me to the hospital, can't remember much about the journey there. I do remember collapsing outside of emergency.

The doctors at ED told me that my heart rate was slightly over 200bpm, and that the ecg showed that i was in atrial flutter and my blood was not circulating at all. Both my legs were blue by this time, and I couldn't feel my arms or my legs. They said that i should be all right once they inject a drug which stops the heart, apparently it is a very broken down form of the drug and that the effects would only last 5 to 10 seconds, and that usually 1 dose is enough. In the end, they used 4 doses, and my heart rate didn't change. I knew i was in deep sh** when after the 2nd dose, the nurses and doctors stopped chatting, and they all had this look on their face, and none of them would look me in the eyes.

The last resort was to use the defibrillator on me, it wasn't the most pleasant sensation. My whole body jumped up when electrical current hit my chest. That didn't do too much either, my heart rate dropped to 190, but refused to go any lower. I remember telling the nurse then that i felt better, and her response was,"Are you sure? You can't be serious, coz your heart rate is still at 190." I found that quite amusing, strangely enough...

Anyway, they couldn't/didn't do anything else to me and i started lapsing in/out of consciousness. When i spoke to the nurse next, she told me my heart rate started dropping very slowly about 45 minutes after the last intervention. I was still under the resus area of ED till about noon on friday, only got transfered to the wards on friday evening after my heart rate came down to about 80bpm. The ED consultant had a chat with me and told me that they had absolutely no idea what happened to me, why their intervention did not work and how my heart rate reverted on its own. That was not very comforting to say the very least.I was also told that if my heart rate had stayed at 200bpm for another 15 minutes, well, i wouldn't be typing this email today. But one thing all the doctors agreed on was that it is very highly unlikely that it is going to happen again. The doctors are sticking to the story of a viral attack of the heart, even though all the cultures and tests have turned up clean.

There's no permanent damage to my heart and i'm due to go in for a ultrasound of the heart, as well as a cardiology follow-up. Apart from a throbbing head, nausea, a dull achy sensation in my left chest and feeling cold, I'm not too bad.

K.

Sick....

2006-05-25T17:51:00.000+08:00

Bleaghghhghghghhhhh........
I'm sick..... It started off with right sided jaw pain on tuesday, then progressed to left sided neck pain and left sided back pain on wednesday, plus numerous visits to the loo...
Went for clinical placement on wed arvo, bad move... very bad move, should have just stayed home, heavy patients=more back pain.

Had to go to work after clinics was done at the hospital, and when i got to work, i realised that i had 8 patients in the space of 2 hours. Not very helpful if you are feeling like crap. Luckily, one of the other physio took 2 of my patients, so i had only 6.
Went back home after that, had a shower, watched some telly, all the while feeling sick as...

Then to bed at 9.30pm, where i spent a good 4 hours shivering, coz i was so freaking cold, even though i had the heater on, a polar fleece jacket on top of 2 t-shirts, 2 pairs of trackies, bed socks and lying in the fetal position under a huge doona. Had to wake up several times through the night to go to the loo and pop pills. Still not feeling too flash now, the loo has been my best friend for the best part of the day, and i haven't eaten anything since tuesday coz i'm not hungry.

Plus i have my clinical placement evaluation tomorrow! How fantastic is that?

Bleaagghhhhhh...
K.

Honey, I'm home!!

2006-05-13T21:31:00.000+08:00

I'm back! Completely forgot that I had a blog...... Hahahaha..

K.

Stifling originality

2005-04-12T13:56:00.000+08:00

One of my course lecturers said something that really made a lot of sense to me. He said that, "Evidence-based practice stifles originality." That is so damned true ! If we had stucked to tried and tested ways of doing things, we would never have progressed as we have.

No doubt that evidence-based practice is a good way to practice physiotherapy, but if we keep on doing the same things, time and time again, how are we going to progress ? We need to adapt, to change and to create new theories, new treatment methods to keep in touch with whats happening around us. The human form doesn't change much, that is a fact, but we now know more and more about how the body functions as more research is being done.

The same lecturer stopped me today, to ask how i was coping with studying and working at the same time. That was really nice of him, i think. It really made my day. To tell you the truth, i find it really taxing having to work and study at the same time, the amount of work that i need to do for the masters course is absolutely shocking. Plus, I am now working on tuesdays as well. So that leaves just friday as my day off work. Well, I should be thankful that I have work to do, and I am !

I'm just so tired though, can't seem to get a decent night's sleep without getting interrupted by weird dreams. Sometimes I can't seem to differentiate between my dreams and reality. Maybe the dreams are caused by axonal sprouting, and the building of new neural pathways in my brain ? I wish.....

Realisation...

2005-04-06T01:13:00.000+08:00

After speaking to Hermione last night, I realised that even though the age difference between me and the rest of the gang (Michael, Ian and Jess) is not that big, fundamentally though the difference between our thinking and maturity is huge.

They are able to satiate the playfulness in my character, the need to joke around and not be serious, but on a deeper level, I'm unable to gain fulfillment from my relationship with them. Its nobody's fault. As herm said, they are still growing up, still coming to grips with the complexities of the world around them, whereas i on the other hand, I'm just growing old...

So in retrospect, this anger, this rage that i have is caused by my ethnocentric view of friendship.

There is one thing that herm and I agree on wholeheartedly though... That its the little things, the smallest of things that really matter...

Dusk

Rage

2005-04-04T14:48:00.000+08:00

Rage...
I wonder why I'm so angry...
But I really feel this seething anger within me. It comes and goes though, like the ebb of waves. Its always present, but there are sporadic moments where i can feel myself being consumed by it.

Hermione told me the other day that I have changed. She said that I seemed to be in more control of my feelings and emotions now, as compared to our poly days. But I don't really think so, its still pretty damn obvious if i'm upset or unhappy. Maybe i've just gotten better at acting, at putting on a mask, a facade. People ask, "How are you doing phil ?", I reply, " Good, thanks !". But thats only because its the poilte thing to do, i mean, no one really wants to know how you really feel, its just a greeting. And they always expect to hear you say you are good, or fantastic. So they can smile and say, "Thats good to hear !", and then they can move on to whatever they were planning on doing.

I'm not making much sense am i ?

I'm just babbling and babbling like a fool. A fool, thats what i feel like for the past few weeks, a god damned fool.

Anyway, Jess has left perth for HK at noon today, and i didn't send her off at the airport, not because i couldn't, but because i wouldn't. Anger is such a destructive emotion isn't it ? Anger is one letter short of Danger...
In order to feel such intense anger, or any feeling for that matter, it just shows how much passion that person haves, does it not ?

I think i feel too much, and that is my downfall. Feeling too much, being too passionate...

Whatever it is, i wish her all the best that life has to offer.

2005-04-03T23:56:00.000+08:00

Rays of light

Wild Weather

2005-04-02T17:37:00.000+08:00

Its been raining on and off for the past 2 days, and the winds are blowing pretty strong too ! Its cold ! Very cold.... and of course, very wet..

I'm pretty pissed off with both michael and jessie. Maybe i'm just being petty, but i am pretty pissed off. If they can't even trust me with a very small matter, then what sort of friendship is it ?

We (michael, ian, jessie and myself) went to C restaurant for dinner on thurs night, sort of a farewell dinner kind of thing for jessie. She's leaving perth on sunday for HK. So, anyway, the dinner started off all right. Then the topic of what to do on friday night came up, so we decided on karaoke. Someone suggested that michael call winnie (this chick which we think has something for michael, but michael's not interested in her) to come along, and jessie was very excited about that. Michael was very resistant to the idea of calling her along, anyway, after jessie suggested that she type out the sms for michael to send it to winnie, he relented. So jessie typed out the sms and michael sent the sms. We waited for a few minutes and there was no reply, so ian asked to see michael's phone to check whether he did send it. After checking it, ian said michael did send it, but ian decided to resend the sms using michael's phone, so he did. That caused a bit of worry for michael as he didn't want to seem like he was very eager for winnie to turn up for karaoke. Anyway, i asked to see the sms, and i PROMISED that i WOULD NOT freaking send the bloody sms to winnie. The phone was in jessie's hand and she refused to give it to me without michael's permission. Michael refused to let me see the freaking sms. WHAT THE FUCK ? My promise means nothing to both of them. I concede that i joke around a lot, but i HAVE NEVER EVER renege on a promise. NEVER EVER ! That really got me riled up, i mean, what the fuck man ? My word is not good enough for the both of them ? Is that it ? All this while, I've been nothing but a good friend to the both of them. To jessie, i've been nothing short of accomodating and patient. I was there when she needed someone to talk to, when she needed help with anything. And she doesn't even fucking trust me enough for me to fucking see a stupid bloody sms ? That says a lot doesn't it ? And michael, i've been a good friend to you as well, have i not ? I've helped you out, given you advice on matters, been your social buffer when you needed one, and you don't fucking trust me enough to let me see a bloody sms ? When have i ever done something to the both of u when i said that i wouldn't ? I keep all my promises. I am a man of my word. Strangers would probably show more trust in me than the both of you combined.

So, just because i joke around and play the fool with you guys, it means that i can't be trusted ? If thats the case, then i really do not know what to say. Ian could see that i was pretty pissed off about it, i think.

So yes, the dinner officially sucked big time for me. I didn't enjoy it a single bit.

Went for karaoke for a while just now. More of a courtesy call than anything else. Besides, michael left his book at my place last night, so i brought it along to return it to him. Didn't feel like singing or staying for that matter, so I left a while later. I'm still pissed, i'm really not being petty, its more a matter of principle than anything else. If they can't trust me, then they are better off not being friends with me. Trust is a major issue with me. I broke off with my previous girlfriend because she didn't trust me. I had enough of trying to reassure her that i'm not cheating on her with some other girl here in perth. What's any kind of relationship without trust ? NOTHING... Thats what it is, nothing at all. Whats the point of opening yourself up and exposing your emotions, your feelings, your whole being to each other when in the end, you are deemed not trustworthy enough for a matter as small as trying to read a sms ?

Rude awakening

2005-03-17T13:41:00.000+08:00

Rudely awakened at 4.30am this morning by loud and furious knocking on my bedroom door. Found my aunty standing at the door looking panicky. She heard something like a car alarm go off (it was probably an ambulance siren), and immediately deduced that someone was trying to break into the rental car that she and my uncle just rented. So, I had to trudge down the driveway at bloody 4.30am to check things out. And as i suspected, everything was all right, no would-be car thief in sight.
Worse thing was that after all that, i couldn't sleep ! And i had an anatomy lab a few hours later. Needless to say, the lab session didn't go too well.

Went home for some rest after uni and then to work, still feeling cheated of my much needed rest...

Have to wake up really early tomorrow ! Going to do on-site work at a mushroom farm ! I wonder if i can steal some mushrooms back ! hahahaha

Yawn.....

Fuck !!!

2005-03-16T15:45:00.000+08:00

Pissed off !!!
Bloody hell, stupid uni's library website decided to log me off in the middle of my search for articles. Fuck ! I've lost all the searches i've saved in database search engine because of that. Fuck lah, i can't remember the bloody key words i used... I guess that explains why i'm bloody writing in this fucking blog right now. Need to vent !

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH !!!!!!

I've just realised as well, that there really is no one i can call to whine/whinge to... H has always been the one that I whine/whinge to ever since I came to Perth, and now that she's gone back to Singapore, there's no one that i can call to whinge to ! Fuck man...

I'm starting to feel stressed about the Masters... I'm only doing it part-time by there's still a lot of bloody work to do. There's the year-long research project, a bloody systematic review to do (which is independent of the research project), an anatomy and pathology assignment, all the bloody pre-reading to do before lessons and so much more... I'm starting to wonder whether I should have started this course... But then again, it is still in the early stages, i guess what i need is some time to get used to uni life again. But i still can't get out of my head what my colleagues have been telling me, that i'm wasting my time and money doing the course, that with the resources i'm spending pursuing the Masters, I would be better off not doing it and just concentrate on working and earning money.... If i was working full time the whole of this year, i would have the money to put a downpayment on a house, as well as buy a new car...
I HAVE TO STOP THIS !
JUST REMEMBER MY GOALS !

All right, will not think of all this crap. Its not conducive for me to think of all this now. I have to just concentrate on my tasks at hand.

J is leaving for HK on the 3rd of April...

Badminton anyone ?

2005-02-26T15:49:00.000+08:00

Had a badminton session just now with the gang. It was pretty fun... Hmmm... I'm actually in a loss as to what to write, well, more like how to begin writing.

All right, I shall start by writing about graduation. Graduation was on last saturday evening. It was good seeing everyone again. The ceremony was way too long though ! I think everyone was counting down as to how many rows of graduands were left ! Plus, it didn't help that I had the flu and my nose was dripping throughout most of the ceremony. The fireworks display after the ceremony was pretty impressive. Come to think of it, whats the big lure about fireworks ? It seems like everyone loves fireworks... ah well. I realised that I only had 7 pics in my digital camera of the graduation ceremony. Actually I wanted to take a pic with J, I don't know what stopped me from asking her... Anyway, she seemed more keen on taking pics with MT instead. So I guess there's really no point in me asking for a pic with her.

Uni is starting on monday for me, can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I can't say I'm not looking forward to it as well. It will be a very good experience for me. Most of my other classmates are international students, there are ppl from UK, Ireland, Colombia, Germany, Iceland, Norway, HK and a few other countries.

It feels good to have J back in Perth again. But its not going to last too long i think. She's going back to HK to get a job in May, maybe even earlier. I think the only way she's going to stay is if she manages to find a job that she really likes here (which is highly unlikely, she's really quite adamant that she won't like any job available here), or if she finds someone that she really likes (preferably a rich and good-looking doctor, so she says). Well, I still like her, as if thats not obvious enough. But I've been trying to act nonchalantly when she's around, and I'm doing a very good job about it, I think. Sigh.... it doesn't matter that I still like her though, coz she doesn't feel the same way..... I have to be content on just being her friend.I'm trying to keep in mind the saying, "If you love someone, you have to set them free..."

On another front, my boss has decided to let me work saturdays at one of his other clinics on a permanent basis, so thats good news. And he may be able to give me more work during the weekday afternoons when I don't have any classes. Well, I'm hoping that with more work (=more money), I would be able to get by without looking for a housemate. Its really difficult looking for a housemate who you can get along well with... Maybe I'm just too used to staying alone. I might just try looking for a housemate just for the fun of it. Hopefully I can get a sweet young japanese girl ! hahaha... Knowing my luck, I'll probably get a dirty and smelly guy instead... But well, one can always hope....

Disconnected

2005-02-01T06:22:00.000+08:00

I have officially moved into my new place on saturday. I have managed to settle most of the moving in stuff, setting up power, gas, water and a phone line. What is yet to get settled is my internet connection, I've already sent in an application for the connection to be made but apparently its going to take 7 to 10 working days. So I feel kinda disconnected right now (no pun intended).

My new place is nice and comfy, a lot of room for me to move around and throw all my trash. I still need to find a comfy sofa though, but that can wait...

Well, my parents won't be coming this thurs after all. They have postponed the trip because of my grandfather's passing on. No date has been set yet, except that it will be after Chinese New Year.

I've got 2 more weeks of full-time work left, I can't wait. Sometimes I just wish that I can fast forward time. Right now, I wish that I can move forward by 2 years, coz that means that I would have gotten my post-grad certification by then. Ah well.....

Its another long slow boring afternoon at work today, I've got no patients for the rest of the arvo. Will need to go down to another clinic later to see if I've got any pilates patients booked in for the evening.

Passing On...

2005-01-29T05:17:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning to find an sms from my mum that my paternal grandfather had passed away at 4am this morning. It came as a bit of a shock as he had just celebrated his 84th birthday a few days ago.

I do not know why i'm feeling sad now, we were never close at all. In fact, i didn't really like him at all. He used to give my dad such a hard time when my dad first started out in business. My grandfather actually went around telling other people not to help my dad at all when my dad first started his business. He wanted my dad to fail. I never really understand why my dad never held it against my grandfather. My dad was the one who helped my grandfather run his business since my dad was young. I can't imagine how much hardship my dad went through during his childhood and teenage years just because he had to help out in the family business. And when he decided to strike it out on his own, he recieved no support whatsoever from his own father. But my dad never once complained about all this, he still took care of my grandfather when he got older. My mum had to take over cooking my grandfather's meals for him when my grandmother passed away. And my mum did it for 2 years, cooking and then driving down to my grandfather's place everyday to deliver food to him. And all this while, he was staying with one of my uncles and his family. I never understood why my mum had to do all that when my uncle's wife was not even working and was a housewife. She cooked for my uncle and her family, but not for my grandfather. Its really strange isn't it ? And after my mum did all that for 2 whole years, did my grandfather even once thank her or acknowledge her for cooking for him ? Not a single time. His attitude towards my family never changed, it was always the same. No show of concern for my family at all.

And now that he has passed away, I'm feeling sad and crying. Why ?

Psycho Chihuahua

2005-01-15T14:10:00.000+08:00

I almost went psycho on a patient today. He really really really pissed me off ! I was taking his blood pressure and he kept on fidgeting ! I told him to not move for a while or I won't be able to get an accurate reading, and he mouthed off at me, "What do you know ? You are not the one with back pain. If there's pain i'm going to move.". I got so pissed off, i just stared at him for a whole minute. I think he got pretty scared. The thing is that i normally don't get pissed off at patients so easily. But this guy has been really really irritating for quite some time now. Okie, so he has Scheurmann's disease, but that is something that has been ongoing for a while now, and it has never given him any problems at all. But after injuring his back at work about 3 months ago, he is still complaining of persistant pain in his back. Clinically speaking, his complaints do not correspond to the objective examination. From my interactions with him, I firmly believe that it is all psychological. He focuses on pain, and he's adopting pain avoiding behaviours which in turn reinforces his belief that his pain is so crippling that he will not be able to carry on with activities that he used to do before his injury. He is about half way thru a structured exercise program at the gym, but i seriously doubt that he is doing the prescribed exercises. I will have to call up the trainer to check up on how he behaves at the gym. I have already strongly recommended to his primary physician that he be referred to a psychologist. He will need an intensive course of CBT to snap out of this self-reinforcing vicious cycle of percieved pain... I actually felt pretty bad about "losing" my temper at him after a while, but i never went loco at him or anything. But anyway, its all past now.

On another front, I just won an award for best performing clinic of the quarter ! I think the price is a voucher at a restaurant. I didn't even realise that there was an award for that, only found out today during the quarterly staff meeting.

Oh, i've finally found a new rental place ! Going to settle the paperwork next tues ! I'm glad that at least that is settled. Now all i need is to get a fridge, a queen size bed and a sofa for the new place ! Going to move in next sat, i will have to ask MT whether he's able to help me move. Or i may have to find someone else to help me.

So tomorrow is going to be spent looking for the said items ! And i will have to go to the gym tomorrow as well.

Feeling Shitty

2005-01-11T14:00:00.000+08:00

Feeling really shitty at the moment. It just hit me like a tonne of bricks, this feeling of shittiness, can't explain it... I guess, its a combination of everything that is happening recently, or is going to happen...

Things do not always go as planned, especially when it comes to my love life. But then again, i'm sure everyone thinks the same way i do.

Stigmata

2005-01-04T16:33:00.000+08:00

Saw this movie last night called, "Stigmata". It was a fairly interesting movie which had a bit of a twist of the phenomeneon of stigmata. For those of you who are querying what stigmata is, basically it means that a person is afflicted with the wounds that Jesus suffered when he was nailed to the cross. Jesus suffered 5 types of wounds, namely, puncture wounds in both wrists, puncture wounds in both feet (from the nails), wounds inflicted by whipping on the back, wounds inflicted by the crown of thorns placed on the head and lastly, getting speared in the side. Only the most deeply religious ever get stigmata, so that means that i am safe.

Anyway, it was a fairly decent movie, not as religious as the title suggests though.

I went around 3 shopping centres today, searching for 2 particular items. Managed to find one item when i got to the 3rd shopping centre, still can't find the 2nd item that i want though... Tried searching for it online when i got back home, but i found out that the store that i want the 2nd item from only has branches in melbourne and sydney. Well, i guess i will have to look for another alternative, have to get it by friday though.

The built-in clock in my car has decided to give up on me, same thing with my car's stereo system ! So now, I am without any music when i drive around... sigh... Well, at least the air-conditioning is still working.

I think i'll prob have to hit the shops tomorrow to look for my 2nd item ! It doesn't help that the shops all close at 5 or 5.30pm, and i only get off work at 4.30 (well, mostly 4, since i usually finish off with my last patient at 3.45pm).

I'm still pretty much stuck on J, if you know what i mean... But i think i will spare everyone from hearing me whinge, I've been going on too often about her as it is...

I have to compliment ML on her memory though ! Its absolutely amazing ! I smsed her today asking where I could get something, and she told me which shopping centre and the exact location which i could find the store ! Long live ML !!! hahahaha
I wish that she was here to help me with the shopping now !

Going to go do some other writing now...

2005 !

2005-01-03T17:30:00.000+08:00

Happy new year ! Well, I know i'm a bit late, but better late than never.

New Year's resolutions !
1)Go to the gym at least 4 times a week !
2)Lose 10 kg by june ! 10kg of flab that is, I don't mind gaining some lean mass, but I think that if i do gain some lean mass, i'll probably look like a bodybuilder or something. I prefer to go for the triathelete look ! haha
3)Stay focused ! Easier said than done...

Well, I think i should stop there ! Don't want to make too many resolutions, i think that these 3 are hard enough to keep as it is.

I'm really getting bored in Perth... Hopefully, the start of the post grad course will help to alleviate some of that boredom.

I still find myself thinking of J incessantly. Hmmm... Well, she's leaving for HK this coming sunday, and she will be gone for a month. I will have absolutely no way of contacting her then, coz she doesn't have the internet connected at her place in HK. I have this heart-wrenching feeling that I am going to miss her terribly, and that she won't miss me at all... *sigh*

Well, i think i better go get some sleep, I'm hoping that some of the shopping centres will be open tomorrow, i have to get some stuff...

Continuation of Death and Life.

2004-12-29T15:32:00.000+08:00

I feel so much better now ! Went for a swim at MT's place in the arvo. Feel really refreshed after the swim, it really helped to clear my mind !
I've always liked swimming, it is pretty therapeutic being enveloped by a calm body of water. We played a bit of xbox after the swim. But it didn't keep me interested for long.

I've just read the latest news regarding the asian quake, and it seems like almost every country who has the ability to help, has already put some form of disaster relief effort in place. Thats really quite heartening to hear that...

I'm going to go sleep, really tired now.... *yawn*

Death and life.

2004-12-29T05:41:00.000+08:00

The death toll is now 22 000 and several thousand are still missing... I just feel so affected by it all. The wanton loss of human life... In india and indonesia, the majority of the dead are children. Yes, children... Sigh...

We are all connected to each other, some way or the other.

I remember that the last time I really put my heart and soul into a prayer was after the Sep 11 attacks. I prayed for deliverance for those who had perished in the attacks, and I prayed for the lessening of the grief and pain of the ones they left behind. I cannot even begin to imagine how much pain and suffering their loved ones had to go thru...

The people in the world trade centre who initially survived the planes crashing into the buildings, do u know what all of them did when they found out that there's no way they were going to survive ?

Those who had access to a phone, they all called their family, their loved ones... And the message was universal, it was messages of love. The gist of all the messages, was for their families and loved ones not to grieve, to carry on with life, to take care of themselves.... In other words, messages of love. Not a single message was for revenge. Doesn't that say a lot ?

Sorry for disgressing..

Anyway, this is the first time in 3 years that I have actually prayed so hard and with so much feeling. I prayed for the victims of the quake, and for the loved ones they left behind.

The first thing that I asked myself when i first heard the news of the quake was why did so many people have to die. I felt a feeling of anguish, anger as to why the lives of so many people had to be lost, and why did God let it happen. Then I was overcome with sadness....

Need to compose myself first, will write a bit more later...

Its so damn bloody hot !

2004-12-27T13:16:00.000+08:00

Gosh, its so damn hot here ! Imagine spending Xmas in the sweltering heat of 37 degrees celsius !

Asia was hit by a massive oceanic earthquake which sent massive tsunamis' hurtling towards the coastline of thailand, indonesia and india. That might explain why i suddenly felt so sick yesterday, plus my eyelid couldn't stop twitching. I hope the H is all right, she's in phuket with B right now. I think she should be all right, I would be able to feel it if something happened to her...

Yah i know, it sounds like crazy talk. But you know how sometimes you are able to feel if something has happened to a close friend or family member.

Sometimes i wish that i knew what my destiny in life is. What is my role in all of this... I believe that we are all put here for a reason, even though the reason might not seem clear to us. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Well, sometimes i wish that its not that mysterious. I want to know my role in this place, so that i can start doing it. But then again, maybe i already know what i'm supposed to do, i just have to perservere and keep with what i plan to do. Sigh, sometimes i wish that i could just get all the knowledge i need by plugging myself into a supercomputer or something...

Anyway, enough of this crazy talk... Gonna go off and stew in the heat now.

The silly season !

2004-12-25T16:30:00.000+08:00

Merry Xmas !
Its actually not so merry...
Well, it is my first xmas here without any family, and I do feel kinda miserable. And you know what they say... misery loves company ! Wouldn't mind having some company (make that female company, even better yet, make that female company be J !), well, one can always hope...

I actually recieved 2 xmas presents from my employers ! Well, its a bit complicated. I work for this company that contracts work from another company, and i got presents from both ! Hmmm, it doesn't sound that complicated after all ! hahaha. Well, the company that pays my salary gave me a $50 gift card for Coles Myer shops ! And the other one gave me a food basket with a bottle of wine in it !

I was thinking of going for xmas service tomorrow at one of the churches near my place, but having second thoughts now... ah well, i guess i will see how it goes when i get up tomorrow.

Well, I'm going to go back to drinking my red wine now...

Disturbed sleep..

2004-12-24T02:11:00.000+08:00

*yawn*
Was woken up by a bunch of people talking really really really loudly at 2 bloody a.m. this morning. I was just in the middle of a beautiful dream with J in it. Still pretty pissed off about getting woken up, I mean, its a working day for a lot of other people ! Those asses are just inconsiderate and I bet bloody drunk as well. They were just gibbering non-stop about about being told off by a woman for talking too loudly, well, I would have thought that would have made them lower their volume. But no, what do they do instead ? They yak even louder ! I was so pissed off ! I was seriously contemplating about throwing splashing a pail of water downstairs just to shut them up. But being the NICE fella that I am, I just banged my balcony door shut ! I bet that gave them a fright, coz they were silent for a grand total of 2 minutes ! hahaha... Sadly, being the daft asses they are, they continued their yakking ! Albeit a bit softer, mainly from the fact that the balcony door probably muted down their voices.
*yawn*

The truth is, I have yet to get a proper night's sleep since my birthday. I'll be really tired before bedtime, but after falling asleep, I'll inevitably wake up every 1-2 hours, and I'll be tossing and turning for what seems to be an eternity (I'm sure its only for about 5 minutes at most) before I'll be able to fall asleep again. They say that being unable to get restful sleep is an indication that there is something that's troubling you. Hmmm..... I don't think I'll go into detail about all that just yet....

I think I strained my left triceps playing ball yesterday while having a game with MT. My left arm somehow got caught onto his body while he was driving into the paint for a lay up, it didn't feel that bad yesterday, but I'm feeling the effects of it now. *frown* I was thinking about hitting the gym today, I guess I'll have to see how my arm feels later on in the day. I really need to lose some weight ! I've been steadily piling on the pounds ever since I got my car last year.

This year is going to be the first time I spend X'mas in Perth, I managed to go back to S'pore last year for X'mas, but I can't afford to take leave from work till 14th Feb. So its going to be X'mas all alone here in Perth. However, I think I've more or less adapted to being by myself. Of course it isn't easy initially, and its not easy now either... I'm just human after all...

Seriously speaking though, this has been quite a good year for me. I graduated with a degree, found a well-paying job and got my australian PR. I really can't complain much, I've got a roof over my head, a car to go around in (even if its a green hyundai excel) and more than enough food to eat and wine to drink (evident from my putting on weight). Of course I've had my fair share of disappointments, but there's no point in dwelling on it. There more you think of it, the more it effects you and the less sleep you get ! And as it is I am already not getting enough sleep. J sent me an sms last week when i had one of my foul moods, "stress or think too much=white hair, frown or unhappy=more wrinkles, sigh too much=wrinkly prune!", she's just such a darling. =)

Sigh....

Gotta go back to work now...

Yay ! She passed !

2004-12-23T06:41:00.000+08:00

Hehehe
Good news, J passed !
hmmmm... well, i never had a doubt that she will pass, after all, i think she really worked hard for the pcr. So... another new physio is churned out ! =)
If you are reading this, J, congratulations again !

Now comes the difficult part... Deciding where to work !

On another subject, I'm so full now ! Just had a 2 hour X'mas lunch at the office ! Had so much good food ! hehehe. But its back to work now... *yawn*

Going to play basketball with MT and some of his mates after work, that should be fun.

The earth turned to bring us closer

2004-12-22T12:32:00.000+08:00

"The earth turned to bring us closer,
it spun on itself and within us,
and finally joined us together in this dream
as written in the Symposium.
Nights passed by, snowfalls and solstices;
time passed in minutes and millenia.
An ox cart that was on its way to Nineveh arrived in Nebraska.
A rooster was singing some distance from the world,
in one of the thousand pre-lives of our fathers.
The earth was spinning with its music carrying us on board;
it didn't stop turning a single moment
as if so much love, so much thats' miraculous
was only an adagio written long ago
in the Symposium's score."

~Eugenio Montejo~

I'm sorry J... I'm just a bumbling idiot.

2004-12-22T01:10:00.000+08:00

Hi J,

I'm sorry for my outburst last night. I wasn't thinking properly, my mind was in a whirl, mentally, I don't think I was even engaging in any complex thought processes. I was just in auto mode... Switch on the laptop, go online, check email, see if you are online, chat, go offline, switch off laptop and go to sleep...

I'm always happy when I see you online, coz that means that there will be some form of interaction with you. Last night was no different. But somehow, along the lines, my brain switched off completely and my heart took over. I said something that I shouldn't have. I put myself in front of the firing squad when i said what i said. In my mind the response i recieved was something I more or less expected. I really don't know what happened, but some part in me just felt really rejected and dejected.

I have experienced a whole plethora of emotions during the past 2 to 3 weeks. Feeling confused, feeling dejected, feeling happy, feeling sad, getting jealous... Its like a roller coaster ride of emotions.

I have always known that my emotions will be my downfall, and that has been proven time and again. I should really learn how to control my emotions better, instead of the other way round. Its really unfair to you, for having to deal with my lack of self control.

The thing is that I knew you were mucking around last night, I really do. I just need a better grip on my emotions.

I know that I have been really temperamental lately, just please bear with me. I promise that I will keep myself in check ok ? Well, what can I say ? Maybe I AM just an old wrinkly prune. *winks*

I hope to see you this evening. I promise I will be nice...

P

Chat with the boss

2004-12-21T15:13:00.000+08:00

Had a chat with the boss today, he wants to know my timetable for next year, when I start doing my masters part-time, so that he will be able to arrange some sort of work for me.

I feel truly blessed having a boss like him. I really have nothing to complain about when it comes to work issues. All my needs at work are well taken care of. He even gave me a pay increase a couple of months ago, out of his own volition. I didn't even ask for it ! And now, he's racking his brains thinking of where to put me during my free time next year, so that I'll be able to support myself and pay the school fees with the money from work !

Tired and confused...

2004-12-21T04:22:00.000+08:00

Sigh...
Life is just full of melodrama... Well, at least thats the way it seems to be in my little brain...
Emotions... Why do we like a person ? Is it the way they walk ? Talk ? Laugh ? Smile ? Cry ? Whinge ? Their character ? Or is it just plain good old fashion lust ? Frankly, I've never believed in love at first sight, that exists only in fairy tales and in songs. I believe in lust at first sight. Think about it, what is usually the first thing that strikes you when you first set your eyes on someone ? Most often than not, its the way they look, the way they carry themselves, what they were wearing, is it not ? Well, thats what i first notice anyway.
Its always lust that starts the ball rolling.

My latest muse, however, is slightly different... I've never lusted over her. My initial feelings for her were of friendship, nothing more, nothing less. I've known her for over a year now, and its only recently that I found myself falling for her. Initially, I thought that it was just a crush, and that it would fade in a week or two. But now, it seems otherwise. *frowns*
I find myself thinking of her all the time, yearning to hear her lilthing voice, yearning for her touch, yearning for her laughter which brings sunshine to all around her......

Its all a bit complicated now, mostly due to the fact that both of us belong to a tightly knit group of friends (there's 5 of us, 3 guys and 2 gals, all us guys are single, the other gal is attached). The dynamics of the group right now, is frankly quite amazing. And to even think of doing anything that might upset this delicate balance in the group just seems sacrilegious, to a certain degree of course.

In the early hours of the morning on the 14th Dec 2004, a few hours after my birthday party, I told her that I like her. Her first response was, "How could you like me ? Don't play with me. You must be drunk ! Why do you like me ?". Well, to say the least, this wasn't the response I was hoping for. We had a long talk on the phone then.. in my semi-consciousness and the liberating effects of alcohol on my inhibitions. To cut a long story short, the conversation ended with me saying that I'm going to leave it as it is, mostly because she wasn't ready for a relationship (having just recently gotten out of a really bad one) and she just wasn't keen on me. How's that for a birthday present ?

Its been close to a week since that conversation, and my feelings for her has not only failed to abate, it has grown even stronger. We had a karaoke session last friday night, just the 4 of us (the 3 guys and her, the other member couldn't stay for the entire session), we had a lot of fun, but in the midst of all that fun, I could feel the pangs of jealousy from the deepest recesses of my being just gnawing at me, seeing how close she was to the other 2 guys...

It happened again last night, pangs of jealousy gnawing inside me.. We had a X'mas party at ML's(the other girl in the group) place last night, most of the night, she was beside CY (one of the guys in the group), talking to him, sitting beside him... I tried my best to act nonchalant about it all, but I couldn't take it anymore, and left just after midnight. I've actually noticed that she tends to gravitate towards CY and vice versa, they always seem to be sitting together... *frowns*

One of the worst feelings in the world is missing someone even while she is in the same room.....

The group of 5 has now shrunked to a group of 4, ML left for S'pore early this morning, and she won't be back till Feb '05. I have been contemplating of withdrawing myself from the group lately, its just too difficult seeing her so close to the other 2 guys......